Thursday, 19 June 2014


It really sucks living so far from the city... Sometimes I really wish I could just move out instead of spending so much time commuting. Get this, I spend around 20 hours a week just commuting, that's more than I spend in classes and probably more than I get to spend with my family. But that's reality, and there's not much I can do about it because it's too expensive to move out right now. I would love to move out with a small group of friends and just share an apartment, but I don't think I'm ready for it now. I would miss having my family around, all the homecooked food and my little dogs. A part of me feels like I would be able to visit them weekly and that'll make up for it, but I guess, right now, I have to take it step by step and actually prepare myself for when I do move out. First, I have to get my license so I have the mobility, then a job closer to the city so the move would be worth it and I would have a more stable income, then by the time I've saved up enough to last me a while, then I'll take a plunge. I don't want to be too reckless and have it all backfire on me. So I'm willing to wait it out until the time is right. And let's be honest, I will eventually have to move out one day – it's almost impossible that I will live at home forever, I think. I really cannot wait for the day I move out, because I will feel a lot more independent and a lot less of a burden on my parents. Of course I know they do it out of love, but I just want to be more independent for myself... and I would love the added mobility and time – to do what I want, whenever I want and not have to spend so much time getting to places.

Today was the first team dinner of the year and the first time the whole team got to really sit down and talk to each other, hang out and just mingle. It felt really nice because the team dynamics are pretty amazing. Everyone made an effort to really talk and get to know each other, and talk as a whole table. I'm glad because I really didn't want anyone to feel excluded, and I didn't want there to be an awkward atmosphere. It was also really fun because it didn't feel like it was everyone's first time hanging out – it was so natural and carefree. I mean … the guys were talking about things like ring of fire, whale and gas. Sometimes, I question whether there is something wrong with me... My personality is quite boyish, in that I'm pretty outgoing and joke around like a guy no holds barred. It's easy for me to be 'one of the guys'. But that also makes me question my femininity sometimes. Will I ever become more feminine? Will I ever be good at all the girly stuff like cooking and cleaning (okay, I know stereotypes but still!)? Honestly, I haven't seen much of my feminine side for a while since it kind of only comes out when I'm in a relationship (ha!) and it's been a while. It's strange how natural it is for me to be feminine in a relationship, but I find it so difficult otherwise. It's awkward. I can't be one of those girls who flirt with guys to get their ways (usually) or the type to shyly attract guys. I tend to attract guys who aren't my type or are friendzoned. I guess, that's the case with most girls though. And I guess, a lot of people would go around blaming the girl for not appreciating the guy or just going for jerks. But really, for me, I don't want to waste my time or the other person's time if I know it won't end well; and I particularly don't like leading people on.

That aside, we had a really fun night because after dinner and gorging on delicious Thai food (the guys sweating from the spiciness lol) and fried ice cream, we went to play pool. Disclaimer: I'm so shit at pool. But since it was the first team outing, I was pretty down to do whatever and just chill. I didn't want to ruin the mood by making everyone disperse so early when everyone's spirits were so high and everyone was getting along so well ^_^ Anyway, they found my lack of pool skills pretty amusing and kept making a show out of me playing when it was my turn T_T BUT, our team won all three rounds! And I sunk the winning ball for the last round! KEKEKE ^_^v So proud of myself. Glad we ended on a high note (for me haha)! 

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