Anyway, I haven't actually blogged for close to two months. There has been so much happening. It's strange - sometimes when I wanted to blog back then, I had nothing interesting to blog about. Now that I do have stuff to blog about, I don't have the time to do it. And now that I have to study for my exams, I shouldn't be blogging, but since I always procrastinate - here I am anyway. Tonight is one of those where I feel particularly nostalgic and emotional. Maybe it's this playlist of classic Vietnamese songs that I grew up with, or maybe it's the scattered memories that have been coming back to me these past few days. I just need to get it off my chest.
I've been thinking about my ex recently, which is quite unusual because it's been ages since I last did. The thing is... I guess I tend to think about him whenever I start developing even the smallest crush on someone else because... we humans tend to self-sabotage sometimes. And that's exactly what I am doing - trying to reel myself back in, and my ex is the perfect defense mechanism. Not because I still have feelings for him, not at all. But because he is a reminder of my carelessness... he is someone I hurt without realising. Honestly, I've been holding myself back from getting into relationships because I don't want to hurt someone else unnecessarily. I feel like a horrible person, because I do have a conscience. But at the same time, I can be a very selfish, emotionally detached person... and it's hard to balance that with a relationship. I love people, but I also need my space away from people. Friends, lovers, family. It's the same. I can never give anyone 100% of me. It's a really big ask. Yet, since I've been single for more than two years now, I do miss the little things in a relationship - the affection, the consideration. It hit me big when I was in Europe and travelling alone, and since then it's been creeping back little by little. I don't miss my ex per se, I just miss the feeling of being enamoured by someone else... the feeling of being able to freely open your heart to another person because you're in a relationship. I do enjoy the uncertainty of the chase, but to be able to kiss someone just for the heck of it, or because they caught your gaze... I miss that.
I stumbled upon my letter to crush from last year, and it's so funny how I'm feeling the exact same way right now... but about a different person. Why do I get myself in these situations? Ugh. It's so messy developing feelings for someone. It is. It's paradoxical - I want to be in a relationship but I don't want to deal with my emotions. But, I am kind of interested in someone at the moment. I don't know where it will lead me, or if it will even lead me anywhere considering how things fizzled with the guy I was interested in last year... so I will just enjoy the present for what it is. I don't want to expect anything because I'm already happy with the way things are now. What can I say? I'm a simple girl.
I also thought it was... serendipitous that I ran into my two post-break up crushes last week. It made my heart flutter a little. It's silly because they have no idea how I felt about them, or the impact they had on me. I'm thankful nonetheless. It's thanks to them that I was able to get over my ex in a month or two. I'm not really interested in getting to know them personally because it'll just shatter the illusions I've conjured up about them and what I wanted them to be like. So I'm happy just having that as a past chapter in my life. But I can't control the little butterflies I had when I walked past them... especially the first one, because that was a bit of a K-drama moment. It was raining, and I was walking along under my umbrella (ella, eh eh eh) and singing along to the music I was listening to. I glance up and my gaze meets with his, and we hold eye contact whilst walking past each other. And you know how people say it feels like it's just you two alone, well, we were basically all alone at that empty walkway by the business school. Sometimes, I wonder if he knew that I had a crush on him. He's one of those people where you know of each other, but never directly interacted with. It was unsettling whenever I came into contact with him back when I had a crush on him. The other guy I saw as I was heading home and we also exchanged gazes. But the second guy, it was more of a shallow thing so it was refreshing for my eyes to see him, but that's about it. Anyway, it's all in the past so I'm happy to leave it there.
See, this is why I don't like dealing with love and relationship stuff. It just all comes at once and I'm like... can't handle, *runs away*. But you can never deny your feelings from what they want so just got to accept it. Whatever will be, will be.