|The grammar nazi in me wished there was an apostrophe. But screw that, I'm not perfect either. (credit: tumblr)|
It's hard to say I'm an ambitious person, because at the very core, I'm not. I'm a dreamer. I have all these little ideas in my head, these little mental photographs that I wish were true... I have dreams, not ambitions. I don't actively pursue them, because that's not who I am. I cherish the ideas and how they make me feel. I cling to the tiny happiness that the thoughts bring me because I know that we have to be careful what we wish for, because often reality tarnishes the beauty of dreams. This may be foolish and silly, but it's who I am.
Call me practical, or call me selfish (or be nice and call me family oriented) but my goal in life is simply to be happy and eventually have my own home with a loving family. I don't have these humanitarian goals for the greater good or an overarching desire to change the world. Maybe I haven't met that side of me yet, or maybe that side of me is just... not really there. I'm a simple person and in many ways, I'm easily satisfied. I'm someone who pays more attention to the little things than grand gestures. I am proud of myself that of all the resolutions I'd made, the one that I've kept was to donate my spare change whenever I see a charity donation box. Yes, it's a small gesture but it's that release for me - knowing that my spare change can contribute to something greater, knowing that deep inside I can comfortably and happily part with my own money for someone else.. and wanting to.
However, there are times I have these creative bouts and I have these visions and ideas that I wish I could just be manifest to life. I wish to bring these ideas to life, yet it's hard. I love design and creativity and innovation and I love being surrounded by it. It inspires me and it leaves me awestruck. Yet, I feel so limited by my capabilities. I want to hone my skills. I want to bring these ideas to life. I want to be better at what inspires me, so one day, someone may feel the same way about my work. I really want to feel like I'm actually good at something, instead of just dabbling in these hobbies and not committing myself to it. Unfortunately, it seems my ultimate downfall has always revolved around my commitment phobia. But who says that can't change? Regardless of the outcome, I want to at least try.