AN ODE TO THE RAIN

SAYING NO TO STAGNATION

I think as I've grown older, one of the things I have grown to fear the most is stagnation. There is nothing more disheartening than feeling stuck in a rut... Yet that feeling keeps coming and going for me. I go through the whole push-pull of feeling inspired to make a change in my life, and then being too lazy to actually enforce it. It's so easy to fall back onto routine and bad habits, and then the excuses come flowing out to justify it. It's a vicious cycle.

So this time, I really want to muster up the determination to follow through with my goals and ideas. I really want to become that person I keep envisioning or hoping to become. I think it's time I stopped making excuses for myself and really back up it all up with action. Of course, this may all come with a price but I think one thing I really learnt from going on exchange was that ... money is fleeting, so use it wisely because there are so, so many avenues for us to spend money. In other words, we all end up spending money anyway so why not spend it on something more meaningful and worthwhile? As a pretty crappy student when I took my finance classes, I've really just realised that there will always be risks, but the potential gain is what makes investments so rewarding. I guess, I realise that I either need to work harder to increase my income or learn to save so I can direct my funds towards achieving my goals or meaningful pursuits, rather than lamenting that all my money goes into food or clothes.

In light of this, I wanted to actually set my goal in 'stone' so that I am constantly reminded of them and thus will work harder to achieve them. I don't mean to be cliche but I'm the type of person who attributes significance and sentimentality over little random things, so I guess I really want to become a more responsible adult as I am 21 (even though I know that doesn't mean much in Australia since our age limits for most activities are 18).

Short term goals:

• Start taekwondo classes. Join the club. It's terrible that I've actually wanted to do taekwondo since I was in high school, yet I still haven't taken the leap. I don't really know what's stopped me but it is really time for me to start before I'm 60 and look back and realise that I never got to do it. 
• Time Management... is probably my biggest struggle since ever. I want to put my foot down and actually move on when the time is up.. instead of letting it trickle over to the next task, the next hour and so on. This year I've challenged myself with a lot more commitment but that means I have to up my game and get shit done for efficiently. 
• Keep in contact with people better. I've always struggled to keep in contact with people. It's hard when you don't get to physically see them as often because it's like... well, what do I talk about? You have to actually make an effort to come up with topics of conversations or recap your life... It's difficult. However, I want to make that effort. I want to Skype or Google Hangout with people. I want to meet up with people. I want to make that effort. I guess this blog was also part of the plan - having a space where I can vent and capture my daily life so friends will be able to know what's happening in my life without me having to awkwardly recap it all the time... I just need to gather the courage to actually link them to my blog >.< 

Long term goals:

• Get healthy. I know, everyone says this. However, it is truly that important. Since I'm still young, I've always had that mentality that being young = healthy. Yet, this isn't the case... our youth runs out on us quicker if we don't maintain our health... and being young doesn't make you immune to diseases or death. I really want to stop being so complacent and really be proactive in prevention. I'm going to start taking health management a lot more serious because the only thing we have at the end of the day is our health. And it's priceless... Unfortunately, we don't realise that until it is jeopardized. And I hate pain, so that should be my motivation.  But really... I'm always envious of those people who are fitness freaks because I just don't find the gym appealing. However, I'm hoping starting taekwondo classes can help that. And the occasional squash and rock climbing days. And exercising at home. Taking it slowly. I also want to cut junk food and soft drinks out of my diet. They're just so bad for my teeth and I'm scared of getting diabetes. That said, everything in moderation. I'm not going to become some health nut overnight but I'm trying to take it step by step. 
• Giving more. I mean, we can talk altruism and ideals all we want but again, it needs to be backed up with action. I know it's not much, but as I've kept this 'new year's resolution' for two years running, I realise how important it is to actually give. By giving, we realise simultaneously how the significance and insignificance of money. We realise that every dollar goes a long way for those in need, yet we realise we aren't any less happy without that dollar. So it's better to redirect that dollar to a charity where it can actually create better tomorrows for those who need it. Instead of making it a new year's resolution, I want to make it a lifelong resolution to always give to those charities when I see people fundraising. However, I do limit myself to actual charities and not those people who ask me to sign up for a monthly direct debit because I know a large percent of that goes towards their wages instead of the needy; and also I need to retain some flexibility and control. That said, I would love to one day sponsor a child when I have the actual means to do so. I've actually toyed with the idea of adoption but that really is a farfetched concern because I am nowhere near the age to be thinking of having a family... and there are so many variables involved. So for the meantime, I really look forward to the day when I have a stable job and the means to sponsor a child, knowing that I was able to change someone's life for the better. 

That's it for now. Actually, there are so many more. But since one of my goals is to be more firm with my time limits... and one of those is to sleep before 2am, I better stop here and add more later. 

TEAM BONDING & RANDOM MUSINGS

It really sucks living so far from the city... Sometimes I really wish I could just move out instead of spending so much time commuting. Get this, I spend around 20 hours a week just commuting, that's more than I spend in classes and probably more than I get to spend with my family. But that's reality, and there's not much I can do about it because it's too expensive to move out right now. I would love to move out with a small group of friends and just share an apartment, but I don't think I'm ready for it now. I would miss having my family around, all the homecooked food and my little dogs. A part of me feels like I would be able to visit them weekly and that'll make up for it, but I guess, right now, I have to take it step by step and actually prepare myself for when I do move out. First, I have to get my license so I have the mobility, then a job closer to the city so the move would be worth it and I would have a more stable income, then by the time I've saved up enough to last me a while, then I'll take a plunge. I don't want to be too reckless and have it all backfire on me. So I'm willing to wait it out until the time is right. And let's be honest, I will eventually have to move out one day – it's almost impossible that I will live at home forever, I think. I really cannot wait for the day I move out, because I will feel a lot more independent and a lot less of a burden on my parents. Of course I know they do it out of love, but I just want to be more independent for myself... and I would love the added mobility and time – to do what I want, whenever I want and not have to spend so much time getting to places.

Today was the first team dinner of the year and the first time the whole team got to really sit down and talk to each other, hang out and just mingle. It felt really nice because the team dynamics are pretty amazing. Everyone made an effort to really talk and get to know each other, and talk as a whole table. I'm glad because I really didn't want anyone to feel excluded, and I didn't want there to be an awkward atmosphere. It was also really fun because it didn't feel like it was everyone's first time hanging out – it was so natural and carefree. I mean … the guys were talking about things like ring of fire, whale and gas. Sometimes, I question whether there is something wrong with me... My personality is quite boyish, in that I'm pretty outgoing and joke around like a guy no holds barred. It's easy for me to be 'one of the guys'. But that also makes me question my femininity sometimes. Will I ever become more feminine? Will I ever be good at all the girly stuff like cooking and cleaning (okay, I know stereotypes but still!)? Honestly, I haven't seen much of my feminine side for a while since it kind of only comes out when I'm in a relationship (ha!) and it's been a while. It's strange how natural it is for me to be feminine in a relationship, but I find it so difficult otherwise. It's awkward. I can't be one of those girls who flirt with guys to get their ways (usually) or the type to shyly attract guys. I tend to attract guys who aren't my type or are friendzoned. I guess, that's the case with most girls though. And I guess, a lot of people would go around blaming the girl for not appreciating the guy or just going for jerks. But really, for me, I don't want to waste my time or the other person's time if I know it won't end well; and I particularly don't like leading people on.

That aside, we had a really fun night because after dinner and gorging on delicious Thai food (the guys sweating from the spiciness lol) and fried ice cream, we went to play pool. Disclaimer: I'm so shit at pool. But since it was the first team outing, I was pretty down to do whatever and just chill. I didn't want to ruin the mood by making everyone disperse so early when everyone's spirits were so high and everyone was getting along so well ^_^ Anyway, they found my lack of pool skills pretty amusing and kept making a show out of me playing when it was my turn T_T BUT, our team won all three rounds! And I sunk the winning ball for the last round! KEKEKE ^_^v So proud of myself. Glad we ended on a high note (for me haha)! 

NEW BEGINNINGS

It takes me a lot of thinking and conviction every time I want to start blogging again, because I always start it with the sincere intentions to actually commit to updating regularly or semi-regularly... Unfortunately, I rarely pull through. This year, I really want to change that. I realise that one thing that really stops me from blogging so often is that I'm scared of being too honest. Strange. I mean, chances are no one I know in real life would know this blog exists, and in many ways, it's my virtual sanctuary. I feel an unfounded connection to this space (yes, I have attachment issues lol). Anyway, I guess... I want to share more of personal life. This is my space to offload and if I feel restricted here as well, then, when will I get to be true to myself? So now that I've learnt to really look at this space as a well that will absorb my thoughts and worries, I'm going to worry less about who may ever stumble upon this blog and just let my thoughts run free.

Honestly, I've always have commitment problems, and I don't mean specifically in the realm of relationships, but in regards to life generally. I always start things, and leave them unfinished. I embark on learning new things, then give up halfway. I know people say the first step is always hardest... but for me, I find it a lot easier to start things then to follow through with them. So, this year... I've decided to really challenge myself. I've taken on a lot of responsibility and decided to put my foot down and commit to being a team leader this year in AIESEC. I've decided to aim high and set goals that I know will scare me, but will force me to work harder. I really want to continue to challenge myself and stop limiting myself.

Today, I had to finalise the selection of my team members for the year. It's a bit daunting and nerve-wracking... To think that these people will be working with me for the whole year as a team, and hopefully as friends. I'm quite happy with my selection. It's funny though, how things never turn out the way I expected. I didn't anticipate this being my final team for some reason. However, I'm really open to getting to know everyone and seeing how everyone plugs into the team dynamics. It's really interesting how diverse humans really are. I already feel protective of my team (damn, maternal instincts?! I'm too young for this -.-) and hope they all will develop to become better versions of themselves, and I hope to be able to meet their expectations. I want them to truly connect and feel included in the team, and in turn, work hard for the EPs. I really want to make a bigger impact this year with the Delivery team, and form really lasting connections with the EPs. I want to make sure every EP feels supported and do embark on an EP Journey. I'm really excited to 'deliver' and innovate... It's exciting being able to work in a team. But not only that, I'm excited to work alongside Jess and Pansy.

Besides that, I also caught up with a bunch of high school friends today because we had high tea at The Tea Room (woo, ticking that off my bucket list!) for Livia's 21st. Man, it feels so strange that everyone is turning 21 yet despite having already turned 21, I barely feel any difference (for shame!). As always, it was really nice catching up with high school peeps because it makes me realise how much has changed since I last saw them, all the new experiences I've 'collected' and it's nice to see how much they've changed as well. I feel like I feed off other people - when I see them doing all these cool new things, I want to push myself to try new things too. Not out of jealousy, but moreso because I feel inspired and I realise that I'm only this young once. That being said, catching up with high school peeps always brings about that feeling of inadequacy... because I always feel like I don't have a clear direction of what I want professionally. I guess there's no point beating myself up over it though, everything takes time and I really need to learn to be comfortable to go at my own pace and stop comparing myself to others and expecting to be at the same place they want to be. It's hard but I want to be able to feel comfortable taking my time to think through my steps because I don't want to end up having a quarter life crisis because I rushed into chasing an illusory dream because it's what everyone else seems to be doing. I want to know that every step I take is towards my bigger goal of happiness and contentment.

SURREAL

I'm not what one would ever call a 'regular' blogger, because let's face it, I'm always missing in action. But it feels so weird that I've been in Europe for more than 2 months yet I haven't blogged once about it. That's because there's always so much happening, or so much to do and I'm already behind on my journal - let alone my blog. Sooooo.... I actually don't know if I will ever make time to blog about Europe whilst I'm here but I would probably get to it when I come back to Sydney, in some weird way. I don't even know. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I don't even operate in real time because I'm always lagging in life and just reflecting blah. I am someone who lives slowly...

TAKE THE REINS

Sometimes I feel it is a shame to live and hold yourself to so many restrictions, to put your needs on the back-burner just because of your parents or your relationship. I think it's hit me a lot harder recently because I've felt stuck in a rut with uni and the routine I get stuck into. It got to a point where I saw other people chasing their dreams, being proactive, getting out there and I started to question what was holding me back? Essentially, nothing should be if you don't let it. All throughout our lives we succumb to these self-imposed restrictions, and by doing so we are denying ourselves the freedom of expression that we are so privileged to even have.

Reading about people's biggest life regrets before they die, and the fact that so many people regretted not being true to themselves is disheartening. If there are people out there who have lived their whole lives probably hoping to bide their time and eventually get to 'be themselves' yet the time passes and they are still unable to live to true to who they are, it just proves that: that day doesn't come, unless we put our foot down and say 'I will start living true to my own self right now'. I never want to be old, and look back on my youth and have nothing to hold onto. I don't want to be that person who wasted their youth working their asses off, or just climbing the corporate ladder - because, why? Yes, stability is comforting but we have 50 years ahead of us to become 'stable'. It's a see-saw really: sometimes I crave that stability, but sometimes I look beyond that and crave for a deeper meaning. I've recently seen a TEDTalk where one line really resonated with me: we spend so much effort to attain that stability, but once we get it, it becomes boring.

I don't know if this will come across as bitter, but honestly, sometimes I look around and I see people who put themselves second to others; they deny themselves the opportunity to chase after what they want because they are either too afraid to take that first step or they are in relationships where their identity is merged with their significant others or they don't feel like they are able to do what they want while they are in a relationship. To me, if you are in a relationship and that is what's holding you back then that may not be an ideal relationship. Don't settle for someone who allows you to be stagnant, don't settle for someone who holds you back to keep you beside them, don't settle for someone who you cannot imagine conquering new heights with - because that's what couples have to do. As a couple, you're expected to grow together through so many milestones - marriage, parenthood, old age; that if you feel unsure or doubtful then that's something you need to fix or learn to walk away from.  Be with someone who inspires you, who makes you want to better yourself, someone who challenges you and enables you to grow.

SNAPSHOTS: GOMA

Just random phone-snaps from my visit to the GOMA museum. Quality is probably sub-par but that's what happens when I become too lazy to lug around my DSLR in order to 'pack light'. I kind of have a love-hate relationship with museums and art galleries - I like it, but I do get bored easily. So it's nice to have a camera or even phone so it challenges me to find interesting ways to take photos so I'm not just *glances at stuff* *walks away* *falls asleep on lounges*