TAKE THE REINS

Sometimes I feel it is a shame to live and hold yourself to so many restrictions, to put your needs on the back-burner just because of your parents or your relationship. I think it's hit me a lot harder recently because I've felt stuck in a rut with uni and the routine I get stuck into. It got to a point where I saw other people chasing their dreams, being proactive, getting out there and I started to question what was holding me back? Essentially, nothing should be if you don't let it. All throughout our lives we succumb to these self-imposed restrictions, and by doing so we are denying ourselves the freedom of expression that we are so privileged to even have.

Reading about people's biggest life regrets before they die, and the fact that so many people regretted not being true to themselves is disheartening. If there are people out there who have lived their whole lives probably hoping to bide their time and eventually get to 'be themselves' yet the time passes and they are still unable to live to true to who they are, it just proves that: that day doesn't come, unless we put our foot down and say 'I will start living true to my own self right now'. I never want to be old, and look back on my youth and have nothing to hold onto. I don't want to be that person who wasted their youth working their asses off, or just climbing the corporate ladder - because, why? Yes, stability is comforting but we have 50 years ahead of us to become 'stable'. It's a see-saw really: sometimes I crave that stability, but sometimes I look beyond that and crave for a deeper meaning. I've recently seen a TEDTalk where one line really resonated with me: we spend so much effort to attain that stability, but once we get it, it becomes boring.

I don't know if this will come across as bitter, but honestly, sometimes I look around and I see people who put themselves second to others; they deny themselves the opportunity to chase after what they want because they are either too afraid to take that first step or they are in relationships where their identity is merged with their significant others or they don't feel like they are able to do what they want while they are in a relationship. To me, if you are in a relationship and that is what's holding you back then that may not be an ideal relationship. Don't settle for someone who allows you to be stagnant, don't settle for someone who holds you back to keep you beside them, don't settle for someone who you cannot imagine conquering new heights with - because that's what couples have to do. As a couple, you're expected to grow together through so many milestones - marriage, parenthood, old age; that if you feel unsure or doubtful then that's something you need to fix or learn to walk away from.  Be with someone who inspires you, who makes you want to better yourself, someone who challenges you and enables you to grow.

THOUGHTS: THE GREAT GATSBY

Playlist: The Great Gatsby

After I finished my exams, I was finally able to go to the cinemas (in a long, long time). I met up with my friend and we headed to eat first, where I basically filled her in with my plans to travel. I don't know if it put more distance between us or not because we've had a similar discussion before where I told her I wanted to travel and she was a tad dismissive - she has wanderlust, but she feels that it's impracticable, expensive and irresponsible. She said she wanted to save for a house instead - which is reasonable. It's 'responsible' but it's definitely not what I want at this point in my life. I feel like I have the rest of my life to work towards that goal. That said, it is a dream of mine to own my own house - I cannot wait to be able to decorate it the way I want to, to create a sanctuary I call my own. I love interior design and I don't have the freedom to decorate my room the way I would like, but I don't see the rush. It's already hard enough for established people to buy a home, let alone a single twenty-something with little financial stability. I'm sure once I have a career, I would be responsible enough to save up for my home then.

Gatsby in all his glory. Sigh, my heart feels for you baby. 

Anyways, life rant aside. The Great Gatsby. It was amazing. Admittedly, I went through a very large portion of the movie feeling completely and utterly confused. However, by the end of the movie I was enthralled. The whole movie was a bit of an emotional roller-coaster. And the end had me in tears, and sad for the rest of the day. It's always fascinating when a movie has the ability to make you reflect. I prefer to go to the movies and unwind, shut my brain off and watch something mindless. Well, instead I got a movie which saw me pondering about how fleeting life and love is; how cruel and selfish we humans can be; how some people can love so powerfully and destructively whilst others can be so careless with love; how sometimes life is all but a mirage and all that we truly strive fall can fade to dust the very next second.

How can anyone break his heart? Girl, look at him!

Of course, I also fell for Leonardo DiCaprio again. Damn, I thought I was (and he was) too old for that, but apparently not. Seriously, before The Notebook made Ryan Gosling the romantic heart-throb, there was Leonardo making girls swoon since Romeo & Juliet and Titanic. How does he do it? He just has this intensity that makes him so compelling as the lovesick hero. But seriously, the poor guy needs to stop falling in love, and try stay away from water. Oh and Isla Fisher looks so different here, I felt that it was her but could barely recognise her.

I loved the colours in the movie - everything was so grand and dramatic. It was reminiscent of theatre, totally not what I expected from a movie - especially one about the 1920s. 

The sets of the film are very vivid and extravagant, and the acting was marvellous. However, I must say the movie really took off towards the end and I'm not so sure that makes for the most engaging storytelling. At the end of the day, I thoroughly enjoyed the film so I guess that didn't deter me too much. It's so unbelievable that a lot of the movie was filmed in Sydney, and apparently some people from my friend's uni actually were extras in some of the Gatsby's magnificent parties. So friggin' jealous.

They look so beautiful together. Carey Mulligan is stunning as Daisy. 

Also, the movie was so captivating that I've been inspired to actually read the book. I haven't actually started reading, but I have downloaded the e-book and emailed a copy to my iPhone as well. For anyone who is interested in reading the book, you can find a free copy of the ebook here. 

RECAP

So much has happened since I last blogged, hence I haven't really had the time or drive to blog. I'm back at uni again, and despite procrastinating like crazy, I'm drained. It's always the transportation that really tires me out though, as it takes me (optimistically) 2 hours each way - aka, 4 hours there and back, and that's if there are no waits... but there's always waiting involved. Which means two things: 1) I probably spend more time on public transport than I have quality time spending with my own family and 2) I spend a lot of time on  the train eating or sleeping, listening to music, playing games or staring into space and daydreaming - none of which are very productive either. That's one of the reasons why I've seriously been considering moving out, and even my mum (who I thought would be the main person opposing me moving out) suggested it. I mean, wow. The main problem with that would be the whole employment and stability thing. I don't know. I'm not sure I can take the leap yet.

Also, my brother recently graduated and I'm so happy for him. It's always a massive stepping stone... yet no one really knew what to do. Sigh, facepalm. I was left to run around on the day to find a graduation bear and a bouquet of flowers and had to run to his university in order to make it on time for his graduation ceremony. There, I had to be the photographer and amateur videographer. By the end of the day, on the train trip back home, I had a mini heart attack when I thought I deleted the video of my brother getting his graduation certificate. THANK HEAVENS I DIDN'T.

Another major event so far this year, both personally and socially, is that I've joined AIESEC. It's a global youth run organisation with the goal of developing leaders through facilitating exchange programs. And the people I've met and have been working with thus far, have been fabulous. Everyone has been really friendly, welcoming and open to talking and sharing. It's great, and I don't think I've ever really made friends that fast. I'm really stoked. It's also evoked that everpresent craving in me to go travel, on AIESEC exchange. I so want to do it, and I want to do it soon. But it's probably better to wait till summer, because I can save a bit more money and I'll enjoy the experience more since I waited so long for it; and I can stay behind a lot longer if I wanted to and travel around Asia. GAHHHH, MY FEELS. And I will have time to hunt Vic down.

I'm also hoping to find a balance in life. I mean, I don't know. Life is inevitably hard. And I'm still struggling with it. But there's so much I want to do and I need to be more proactive with life, if not, am I really living? This year, I want to achieve a lot of things. I want it be a year that is worthwhile and a year that will shape who I am. Last year was a calm year, and it was still such a happy time. This year, I want to balance everything I desire - I want to read, watch shows (ha! how mundane), spend time with my family, work, study, volunteer, travel, exercise, explore and document everything. I mean, it doesn't sound like much, but boy is it hard to fit into a schedule.