TAKE THE REINS

Sometimes I feel it is a shame to live and hold yourself to so many restrictions, to put your needs on the back-burner just because of your parents or your relationship. I think it's hit me a lot harder recently because I've felt stuck in a rut with uni and the routine I get stuck into. It got to a point where I saw other people chasing their dreams, being proactive, getting out there and I started to question what was holding me back? Essentially, nothing should be if you don't let it. All throughout our lives we succumb to these self-imposed restrictions, and by doing so we are denying ourselves the freedom of expression that we are so privileged to even have.

Reading about people's biggest life regrets before they die, and the fact that so many people regretted not being true to themselves is disheartening. If there are people out there who have lived their whole lives probably hoping to bide their time and eventually get to 'be themselves' yet the time passes and they are still unable to live to true to who they are, it just proves that: that day doesn't come, unless we put our foot down and say 'I will start living true to my own self right now'. I never want to be old, and look back on my youth and have nothing to hold onto. I don't want to be that person who wasted their youth working their asses off, or just climbing the corporate ladder - because, why? Yes, stability is comforting but we have 50 years ahead of us to become 'stable'. It's a see-saw really: sometimes I crave that stability, but sometimes I look beyond that and crave for a deeper meaning. I've recently seen a TEDTalk where one line really resonated with me: we spend so much effort to attain that stability, but once we get it, it becomes boring.

I don't know if this will come across as bitter, but honestly, sometimes I look around and I see people who put themselves second to others; they deny themselves the opportunity to chase after what they want because they are either too afraid to take that first step or they are in relationships where their identity is merged with their significant others or they don't feel like they are able to do what they want while they are in a relationship. To me, if you are in a relationship and that is what's holding you back then that may not be an ideal relationship. Don't settle for someone who allows you to be stagnant, don't settle for someone who holds you back to keep you beside them, don't settle for someone who you cannot imagine conquering new heights with - because that's what couples have to do. As a couple, you're expected to grow together through so many milestones - marriage, parenthood, old age; that if you feel unsure or doubtful then that's something you need to fix or learn to walk away from.  Be with someone who inspires you, who makes you want to better yourself, someone who challenges you and enables you to grow.

PEOPLE, MORE PEOPLE AND UNI

First off, uni seems to be a persistent bitch. In every goddamn facet. Cannot escape it for the life of me. Firstly, the workload is killing me, then assessments have poured in, and enrolment for next semester is doing my head in. Why? Because my uni website is too shoddy to handle the traffic that comes with enrolment (massive fail) and I literally spent 20 minutes even trying to get on, argh. FRUSTRATION. Then, I missed out on my planned timetable - which in retrospect, does work out. However, they've opened up more classes for the core courses and the times are so damn inconvenient. On top of that, I heard one of my subjects is massively hard. Great. Just great. The only flipside to everything? I'm trying my best to stay positive and go with the flow and just let things be because who knows? It might all work out, just like how I'm coming to terms with my 4 day timetable - 11am starts = sleep in time, not having to sleep early ... or y'know sleeping at 2am and getting only 4.5 hours every night, where the highlight of my day is literally the extra sleep time on the train. Yeah, that is definitely not a healthy or balanced schedule. So, I'm really starting to look forward to that aspect of next semester (getting way too ahead of myself, and totally ignoring the fact that I have to conquer exams before I get a break, and before a new semester resumes). Anyways, I am intrigued by the subject that everyone seems to hate, but who knows, maybe I'll like it enough to be good at it? Haha, trying to stay positive (and even though there is a looming cloud above my head, I know staying positive beats being a miserable whine by miles!) since I sat in a workshop about positive psychology and it was quite interesting... which reminds me, I totally need to fill out a survey and find out my strengths so I can hone and maximise them :)

Apart from all the bullshiz that is uni life, I've gotten to know quite a lot of people over this year which has been quite surprising since I do like to and tend to keep to myself quite a bit. I'm not so sure I'm making any best friends or friends for life (honestly, because they're not really in my age group and I don't see them super-often) but I do know that we're all friends and I can hold conversations with them for prolonged times, which is a great start for me. The thing about me is that I don't really feel comfortable or enjoy letting people in too much - I kind of prefer not to. I don't like putting myself out there too much and whilst I am somewhat extroverted and talkative, there are things I like to keep private. Maybe I'm a narcissist but I think I need to ascertain that someone has earned that close friend status before I can lay my feelings on the table. If not, meh.

On a side note, I wish a certain someone would lay off and not make the moves on me. It is starting to seriously annoy the hell out of me and it's affecting our friendship. I'm definitely not an 'easy' person to like because I'm honestly mean and I get lost in my own feelings of annoyance, rather than trying to empathise that the person probably has more to lose and feelings may be hurt. It's just... I hate rejecting people so I bottle it up and it gets to me to. It's just argh. I also spoke to one of my high school friends about this recently, because I've missed talking to her, and now I feel kind of distant but I don't know. We need to reconnect somehow.

Also, I've been using my camera again since last time because of the filming project we have to do for one of my courses as well as joining the photography club so hopefully I get into it again because I'm seriously getting bored of this mundane lifestyle.

RECAP

So much has happened since I last blogged, hence I haven't really had the time or drive to blog. I'm back at uni again, and despite procrastinating like crazy, I'm drained. It's always the transportation that really tires me out though, as it takes me (optimistically) 2 hours each way - aka, 4 hours there and back, and that's if there are no waits... but there's always waiting involved. Which means two things: 1) I probably spend more time on public transport than I have quality time spending with my own family and 2) I spend a lot of time on  the train eating or sleeping, listening to music, playing games or staring into space and daydreaming - none of which are very productive either. That's one of the reasons why I've seriously been considering moving out, and even my mum (who I thought would be the main person opposing me moving out) suggested it. I mean, wow. The main problem with that would be the whole employment and stability thing. I don't know. I'm not sure I can take the leap yet.

Also, my brother recently graduated and I'm so happy for him. It's always a massive stepping stone... yet no one really knew what to do. Sigh, facepalm. I was left to run around on the day to find a graduation bear and a bouquet of flowers and had to run to his university in order to make it on time for his graduation ceremony. There, I had to be the photographer and amateur videographer. By the end of the day, on the train trip back home, I had a mini heart attack when I thought I deleted the video of my brother getting his graduation certificate. THANK HEAVENS I DIDN'T.

Another major event so far this year, both personally and socially, is that I've joined AIESEC. It's a global youth run organisation with the goal of developing leaders through facilitating exchange programs. And the people I've met and have been working with thus far, have been fabulous. Everyone has been really friendly, welcoming and open to talking and sharing. It's great, and I don't think I've ever really made friends that fast. I'm really stoked. It's also evoked that everpresent craving in me to go travel, on AIESEC exchange. I so want to do it, and I want to do it soon. But it's probably better to wait till summer, because I can save a bit more money and I'll enjoy the experience more since I waited so long for it; and I can stay behind a lot longer if I wanted to and travel around Asia. GAHHHH, MY FEELS. And I will have time to hunt Vic down.

I'm also hoping to find a balance in life. I mean, I don't know. Life is inevitably hard. And I'm still struggling with it. But there's so much I want to do and I need to be more proactive with life, if not, am I really living? This year, I want to achieve a lot of things. I want it be a year that is worthwhile and a year that will shape who I am. Last year was a calm year, and it was still such a happy time. This year, I want to balance everything I desire - I want to read, watch shows (ha! how mundane), spend time with my family, work, study, volunteer, travel, exercise, explore and document everything. I mean, it doesn't sound like much, but boy is it hard to fit into a schedule.