TEAM BONDING & RANDOM MUSINGS

It really sucks living so far from the city... Sometimes I really wish I could just move out instead of spending so much time commuting. Get this, I spend around 20 hours a week just commuting, that's more than I spend in classes and probably more than I get to spend with my family. But that's reality, and there's not much I can do about it because it's too expensive to move out right now. I would love to move out with a small group of friends and just share an apartment, but I don't think I'm ready for it now. I would miss having my family around, all the homecooked food and my little dogs. A part of me feels like I would be able to visit them weekly and that'll make up for it, but I guess, right now, I have to take it step by step and actually prepare myself for when I do move out. First, I have to get my license so I have the mobility, then a job closer to the city so the move would be worth it and I would have a more stable income, then by the time I've saved up enough to last me a while, then I'll take a plunge. I don't want to be too reckless and have it all backfire on me. So I'm willing to wait it out until the time is right. And let's be honest, I will eventually have to move out one day – it's almost impossible that I will live at home forever, I think. I really cannot wait for the day I move out, because I will feel a lot more independent and a lot less of a burden on my parents. Of course I know they do it out of love, but I just want to be more independent for myself... and I would love the added mobility and time – to do what I want, whenever I want and not have to spend so much time getting to places.

Today was the first team dinner of the year and the first time the whole team got to really sit down and talk to each other, hang out and just mingle. It felt really nice because the team dynamics are pretty amazing. Everyone made an effort to really talk and get to know each other, and talk as a whole table. I'm glad because I really didn't want anyone to feel excluded, and I didn't want there to be an awkward atmosphere. It was also really fun because it didn't feel like it was everyone's first time hanging out – it was so natural and carefree. I mean … the guys were talking about things like ring of fire, whale and gas. Sometimes, I question whether there is something wrong with me... My personality is quite boyish, in that I'm pretty outgoing and joke around like a guy no holds barred. It's easy for me to be 'one of the guys'. But that also makes me question my femininity sometimes. Will I ever become more feminine? Will I ever be good at all the girly stuff like cooking and cleaning (okay, I know stereotypes but still!)? Honestly, I haven't seen much of my feminine side for a while since it kind of only comes out when I'm in a relationship (ha!) and it's been a while. It's strange how natural it is for me to be feminine in a relationship, but I find it so difficult otherwise. It's awkward. I can't be one of those girls who flirt with guys to get their ways (usually) or the type to shyly attract guys. I tend to attract guys who aren't my type or are friendzoned. I guess, that's the case with most girls though. And I guess, a lot of people would go around blaming the girl for not appreciating the guy or just going for jerks. But really, for me, I don't want to waste my time or the other person's time if I know it won't end well; and I particularly don't like leading people on.

That aside, we had a really fun night because after dinner and gorging on delicious Thai food (the guys sweating from the spiciness lol) and fried ice cream, we went to play pool. Disclaimer: I'm so shit at pool. But since it was the first team outing, I was pretty down to do whatever and just chill. I didn't want to ruin the mood by making everyone disperse so early when everyone's spirits were so high and everyone was getting along so well ^_^ Anyway, they found my lack of pool skills pretty amusing and kept making a show out of me playing when it was my turn T_T BUT, our team won all three rounds! And I sunk the winning ball for the last round! KEKEKE ^_^v So proud of myself. Glad we ended on a high note (for me haha)! 

NEW BEGINNINGS

It takes me a lot of thinking and conviction every time I want to start blogging again, because I always start it with the sincere intentions to actually commit to updating regularly or semi-regularly... Unfortunately, I rarely pull through. This year, I really want to change that. I realise that one thing that really stops me from blogging so often is that I'm scared of being too honest. Strange. I mean, chances are no one I know in real life would know this blog exists, and in many ways, it's my virtual sanctuary. I feel an unfounded connection to this space (yes, I have attachment issues lol). Anyway, I guess... I want to share more of personal life. This is my space to offload and if I feel restricted here as well, then, when will I get to be true to myself? So now that I've learnt to really look at this space as a well that will absorb my thoughts and worries, I'm going to worry less about who may ever stumble upon this blog and just let my thoughts run free.

Honestly, I've always have commitment problems, and I don't mean specifically in the realm of relationships, but in regards to life generally. I always start things, and leave them unfinished. I embark on learning new things, then give up halfway. I know people say the first step is always hardest... but for me, I find it a lot easier to start things then to follow through with them. So, this year... I've decided to really challenge myself. I've taken on a lot of responsibility and decided to put my foot down and commit to being a team leader this year in AIESEC. I've decided to aim high and set goals that I know will scare me, but will force me to work harder. I really want to continue to challenge myself and stop limiting myself.

Today, I had to finalise the selection of my team members for the year. It's a bit daunting and nerve-wracking... To think that these people will be working with me for the whole year as a team, and hopefully as friends. I'm quite happy with my selection. It's funny though, how things never turn out the way I expected. I didn't anticipate this being my final team for some reason. However, I'm really open to getting to know everyone and seeing how everyone plugs into the team dynamics. It's really interesting how diverse humans really are. I already feel protective of my team (damn, maternal instincts?! I'm too young for this -.-) and hope they all will develop to become better versions of themselves, and I hope to be able to meet their expectations. I want them to truly connect and feel included in the team, and in turn, work hard for the EPs. I really want to make a bigger impact this year with the Delivery team, and form really lasting connections with the EPs. I want to make sure every EP feels supported and do embark on an EP Journey. I'm really excited to 'deliver' and innovate... It's exciting being able to work in a team. But not only that, I'm excited to work alongside Jess and Pansy.

Besides that, I also caught up with a bunch of high school friends today because we had high tea at The Tea Room (woo, ticking that off my bucket list!) for Livia's 21st. Man, it feels so strange that everyone is turning 21 yet despite having already turned 21, I barely feel any difference (for shame!). As always, it was really nice catching up with high school peeps because it makes me realise how much has changed since I last saw them, all the new experiences I've 'collected' and it's nice to see how much they've changed as well. I feel like I feed off other people - when I see them doing all these cool new things, I want to push myself to try new things too. Not out of jealousy, but moreso because I feel inspired and I realise that I'm only this young once. That being said, catching up with high school peeps always brings about that feeling of inadequacy... because I always feel like I don't have a clear direction of what I want professionally. I guess there's no point beating myself up over it though, everything takes time and I really need to learn to be comfortable to go at my own pace and stop comparing myself to others and expecting to be at the same place they want to be. It's hard but I want to be able to feel comfortable taking my time to think through my steps because I don't want to end up having a quarter life crisis because I rushed into chasing an illusory dream because it's what everyone else seems to be doing. I want to know that every step I take is towards my bigger goal of happiness and contentment.

SURREAL

I'm not what one would ever call a 'regular' blogger, because let's face it, I'm always missing in action. But it feels so weird that I've been in Europe for more than 2 months yet I haven't blogged once about it. That's because there's always so much happening, or so much to do and I'm already behind on my journal - let alone my blog. Sooooo.... I actually don't know if I will ever make time to blog about Europe whilst I'm here but I would probably get to it when I come back to Sydney, in some weird way. I don't even know. Honestly, sometimes it feels like I don't even operate in real time because I'm always lagging in life and just reflecting blah. I am someone who lives slowly...

TAKE THE REINS

Sometimes I feel it is a shame to live and hold yourself to so many restrictions, to put your needs on the back-burner just because of your parents or your relationship. I think it's hit me a lot harder recently because I've felt stuck in a rut with uni and the routine I get stuck into. It got to a point where I saw other people chasing their dreams, being proactive, getting out there and I started to question what was holding me back? Essentially, nothing should be if you don't let it. All throughout our lives we succumb to these self-imposed restrictions, and by doing so we are denying ourselves the freedom of expression that we are so privileged to even have.

Reading about people's biggest life regrets before they die, and the fact that so many people regretted not being true to themselves is disheartening. If there are people out there who have lived their whole lives probably hoping to bide their time and eventually get to 'be themselves' yet the time passes and they are still unable to live to true to who they are, it just proves that: that day doesn't come, unless we put our foot down and say 'I will start living true to my own self right now'. I never want to be old, and look back on my youth and have nothing to hold onto. I don't want to be that person who wasted their youth working their asses off, or just climbing the corporate ladder - because, why? Yes, stability is comforting but we have 50 years ahead of us to become 'stable'. It's a see-saw really: sometimes I crave that stability, but sometimes I look beyond that and crave for a deeper meaning. I've recently seen a TEDTalk where one line really resonated with me: we spend so much effort to attain that stability, but once we get it, it becomes boring.

I don't know if this will come across as bitter, but honestly, sometimes I look around and I see people who put themselves second to others; they deny themselves the opportunity to chase after what they want because they are either too afraid to take that first step or they are in relationships where their identity is merged with their significant others or they don't feel like they are able to do what they want while they are in a relationship. To me, if you are in a relationship and that is what's holding you back then that may not be an ideal relationship. Don't settle for someone who allows you to be stagnant, don't settle for someone who holds you back to keep you beside them, don't settle for someone who you cannot imagine conquering new heights with - because that's what couples have to do. As a couple, you're expected to grow together through so many milestones - marriage, parenthood, old age; that if you feel unsure or doubtful then that's something you need to fix or learn to walk away from.  Be with someone who inspires you, who makes you want to better yourself, someone who challenges you and enables you to grow.

SNAPSHOTS: GOMA

Just random phone-snaps from my visit to the GOMA museum. Quality is probably sub-par but that's what happens when I become too lazy to lug around my DSLR in order to 'pack light'. I kind of have a love-hate relationship with museums and art galleries - I like it, but I do get bored easily. So it's nice to have a camera or even phone so it challenges me to find interesting ways to take photos so I'm not just *glances at stuff* *walks away* *falls asleep on lounges*

SNAPSHOTS: BRISBANE

The obligatory 'out of plane window' shot, because window-seat appreciation!

There were heaps of these 'rental bikes' in Brisbane; which we don't have here in Sydney. Sad to say, I never got to ride one though because there was some registration thing and I never got that much time in Brisbane. 

A pretty tunnel ... it was really pretty hehe 

The Ferris Wheel...

Totally not a creeper shot... 

Funky street installation - it's a 'shell' that you can 'crawl' in from one side and get out the other way!

Bridge bridge bridge bridge! 

The man-made beach at South Bank which we frequented at night 

So these photos are from ... July earlier this year. Apart from the fact that I'm a horrible blogger that never posts unless my blog is covered with virtual cobwebs... there's not much to say. Just to recap, Brisbane was pretty lovely - it was very relaxing and laid-back. If I had to compare it to Sydney, it was less busy and people seemed friendlier. But by the end of the trip, I did miss Sydney. The great thing about Brisbane is that everything seemed to be in walking distance... which means lots of walking. I got to see the city centre, the GOMA museum, South Bank and Surfers Paradise (no pics because it was a brief day trip). I was in QLD for an AIESEC National Conference, where delegates (members) from across the nation attended and participated in sessions, had fun and got to meet everyone else. Essentially, that means I was off on a university campus for a week, and only really got to explore Brisbane CBD in the first few days (which was sufficient - the CBD wasn't drastically different from Sydney)/ Initially, me and Shirisha were going to go to Wet n Wild but it didn't really work out so spontaneous planning left us only one day to trek up to Surfers' Paradise for some beach-lovin' fun. It kind of took a while to get there, and being QLD noobs we managed to get overcharged on public transport (for not tapping off). Once we got there though, it was really nice - we went jet-boatting which I really, really loved. The feeling of just going really fast, with water splashing on us, and not really having to worry about anything: it was the perfect balance of adrenaline rush and 'safety' for me (activity-wise). That said, I kind of wished for more excitement with the looping and turns. However, the experience has officially put jet-skiing on my bucket list. Sooo... one day! After jet-boatting, we went off to the shops and grabbed some food so we can eat and chill on the beach (I had some pastries and ice cream haha). When we got to the beach, we had food and just talked about the whole conference, what we learnt and Shirisha's exchange - I feel like the conversation was really insightful in that it helped my tie together the experience and made me look forward to the rest of the year a bit more, so I was thankful for that.


Anyways, the major major major major thing that has happened is that I AM GOING TO EUROPE. Yes yes yes yes! I am going to the land of snow, fancy cafes, amazing museums and unknown adventures. I've got my flights booked, my travel insurance paid and (don't laugh) I've even started a travel diary to document my time. Why a separate blog? Hmmm... I like to categorise things and to make sure I have a space for different 'states of minds' and purposes. I DERNO. I might end up cross-posting stuff, but I think the travel diary is more the 'open to public' version, whereas posts here will probably have a more personal element. Seriously, I will be flying in a week's time! But first, need to cross off my Legal Theory essay or else I fail. Boohoo.

BALLOONS

Credit: tumblr

It’s amazing to think back of my childhood, and the memories just come flooding in. It’s strange the things that used to mean so much to me. I remember how we used to go to yum cha every weekend as a family and eat all this food and get the balloons they always gave us and it would literally be the highlight of my day - it was like the biggest perk, those helium balloons. I can’t help but smile at the memories. We used to tie the balloons to our wrists and protect it when we walked around Cab to grocery shop, so sometimes we should shift it to one another to get out of having to be super careful when walking, because it’d hit other people or we were scared of it flying away (it always sucked when they flew away). Then once we got into the car, we’d have to hold it between our legs so it wouldn’t obscure the view of Dad driving. And once we got home we’d get so excited to release it and have it hit the ceiling… and then we’d leave it on top of the white cupboard we used to have; and once it got deflated, we’d throw it out. And repeat for the next week. I don’t know why we loved balloons so much but we just did. It’s just like how we treasured those gumball machines so much (and back then, the gold coin ones were super expensive to me) and also those little car and machines that used to be in front of the stores in Cab. 

I miss my childhood sometimes.