COME BACK HOME

For a while, I blogged elsewhere under a different URL. But I kept having to second guess myself before I posted - I felt limited. So I'm back here now because it feels more liberating to post under inxomnia, and because I have a stronger emotional attachment to the pseudonym since I've used it for a number of years already. So I've imported those posts here, and will probably continue blogging here. I don't know, it feels nice having this place as a virtual documentation of my thoughts, feelings and memories of my younger years. Hopefully, Blogger stays around long enough for me to revisit this blog when I'm older.

Anyway, I haven't actually blogged for close to two months. There has been so much happening. It's strange - sometimes when I wanted to blog back then, I had nothing interesting to blog about. Now that I do have stuff to blog about, I don't have the time to do it. And now that I have to study for my exams, I shouldn't be blogging, but since I always procrastinate - here I am anyway. Tonight is one of those where I feel particularly nostalgic and emotional. Maybe it's this playlist of classic Vietnamese songs that I grew up with, or maybe it's the scattered memories that have been coming back to me these past few days. I just need to get it off my chest.

I've been thinking about my ex recently, which is quite unusual because it's been ages since I last did. The thing is... I guess I tend to think about him whenever I start developing even the smallest crush on someone else because... we humans tend to self-sabotage sometimes. And that's exactly what I am doing - trying to reel myself back in, and my ex is the perfect defense mechanism. Not because I still have feelings for him, not at all. But because he is a reminder of my carelessness... he is someone I hurt without realising. Honestly, I've been holding myself back from getting into relationships because I don't want to hurt someone else unnecessarily. I feel like a horrible person, because I do have a conscience. But at the same time, I can be a very selfish, emotionally detached person... and it's hard to balance that with a relationship. I love people, but I also need my space away from people. Friends, lovers, family. It's the same. I can never give anyone 100% of me. It's a really big ask. Yet, since I've been single for more than two years now, I do miss the little things in a relationship - the affection, the consideration. It hit me big when I was in Europe and travelling alone, and since then it's been creeping back little by little. I don't miss my ex per se, I just miss the feeling of being enamoured by someone else... the feeling of being able to freely open your heart to another person because you're in a relationship. I do enjoy the uncertainty of the chase, but to be able to kiss someone just for the heck of it, or because they caught your gaze... I miss that.

I stumbled upon my letter to crush from last year, and it's so funny how I'm feeling the exact same way right now... but about a different person. Why do I get myself in these situations? Ugh. It's so messy developing feelings for someone. It is. It's paradoxical - I want to be in a relationship but I don't want to deal with my emotions. But, I am kind of interested in someone at the moment. I don't know where it will lead me, or if it will even lead me anywhere considering how things fizzled with the guy I was interested in last year... so I will just enjoy the present for what it is. I don't want to expect anything because I'm already happy with the way things are now. What can I say? I'm a simple girl.

I also thought it was... serendipitous that I ran into my two post-break up crushes last week. It made my heart flutter a little. It's silly because they have no idea how I felt about them, or the impact they had on me. I'm thankful nonetheless. It's thanks to them that I was able to get over my ex in a month or two. I'm not really interested in getting to know them personally because it'll just shatter the illusions I've conjured up about them and what I wanted them to be like. So I'm happy just having that as a past chapter in my life. But I can't control the little butterflies I had when I walked past them... especially the first one, because that was a bit of a K-drama moment. It was raining, and I was walking along under my umbrella (ella, eh eh eh) and singing along to the music I was listening to. I glance up and my gaze meets with his, and we hold eye contact whilst walking past each other. And you know how people say it feels like it's just you two alone, well, we were basically all alone at that empty walkway by the business school. Sometimes, I wonder if he knew that I had a crush on him. He's one of those people where you know of each other, but never directly interacted with. It was unsettling whenever I came into contact with him back when I had a crush on him. The other guy I saw as I was heading home and we also exchanged gazes. But the second guy, it was more of a shallow thing so it was refreshing for my eyes to see him, but that's about it. Anyway, it's all in the past so I'm happy to leave it there.

See, this is why I don't like dealing with love and relationship stuff. It just all comes at once and I'm like... can't handle, *runs away*. But you can never deny your feelings from what they want so just got to accept it. Whatever will be, will be.

POST STATECON BLUES

Listening to: 2NE1 - Good To You 

Conference was pretty darn amazing. I love the atmosphere of conference because everyone is so passionate and conversations are so deep and insightful. It's this little bubble of buzz and excitement, where friendships form instantaneously and people learn to stop holding back. Honestly, another reason why I love conferences is that it's like a mini-escape from my daily routine of doing nothing, nothing and nothing. It astounds how much they fit into a measly long weekend and I wonder (rather desperately) how I can implement that into my life so I can become more productive and my time doesn't always end up going to waste. I guess, until I figure that out I'll just have to settle for blogging about StateCon in avoidance of actual study.

In spirit of reliving conference, here were my key highlights:

• All the late night conversations - there is something about staying up talking to people, getting to know them and actually asking questions you wouldn't normally ask because being nocturnal does things to you. It's during the wee hours of the night/morning, that conversations come alive and we can reveal our deepest thoughts. I miss that actually - having my guy friends up at 4am that I can actually bug and ask silly, hypothetical questions. 

• I got to cross 'having a late night conversation by a bonfire' off my bucket list. There's something about bonfires that gives off that heartwarming vibe, that you only really experience during camps. 

• All the stargazing I did waiting for the meteor that never showed (grrr!) I absolutely love stargazing, it just makes me feel at peace with myself. Nothing feels more liberating than lying on the trampoline and just staring up at the sky and breathing in the fresh night air. It's a pity that I only really stargaze on the walks home and even then, it's a really brief moment. There's so much romance in stargazing and by romance, I don't even mean guy-girl romance... just the romance of being so rapt and mesmerized. 

• Trampolining - that truly brought back so many childhood memories. I remember running around in my street, hanging out with my neighbours, playing on the trampoline. Ahh, good times. Funny how we were jumping like crazy (that mini heart attack!) and singing our hearts out. Also, all the DnM's I had on the trampoline were pretty nice too because I could just lie there and stargaze, or sit directly facing the others... Heart to heart with the girls was pretty fun... As well as randomly jumping up for some trampolining. 

• All the chanting and roll calls - there's something so fun about chanting like crazy and losing my voice. I know it's weird, but there really just aren't that many opportunities to do so in my daily life. And it really brings everyone together, as cult-like as it is sometimes. It's just you can feel the passion in the chants and the pride and solidarity that connects everyone. 

• Drinking games and team bonding - honestly I don't like to drink to get shit-wasted, but I do enjoy the buzz that is generated from drinking where everyone is a bit more open and rowdy (as long as it's not too out of control). It's just a little bit of fun, something that we don't always get to do too often since we have actual work to do, and when we do have team bonding we have to drivers who can't drink. It would've been nice to just bond with the team during 5am club, but since we were there with the rest of the region and LC it's an opportunity for everyone to get to know other people as well. We have the rest of the year to know each other so I don't mind if no deep or personal stories are exchanged. 

• The sunny weather and being surrounded by greenery - makes me feel like I'm at a getaway, even for the short moments. 

• Dancing like crazy - I don't do it often because honestly, most places that are 'dance gatherings' are generally filled with strangers and seedy people. It's hard to find places to dance with people you know and don't mind going a little crazy with. And I dance like a retarded penguin. So yes. Awkward. 

DRAINED

This week I had three mid-semester assignments due... one yesterday and two today. Somehow managed to pull through, despite it being one of the toughest weeks of my whole uni career. I'm glad. So now, I'm sitting on the couch, listening to some Epik High music, sipping on some fruit tea and just unwinding. It feels nice. To be honest though, I've always had time management issues so whenever I have to rush to complete an assignment last minute - all hell breaks loose. Mentally, I get stressed, I doubt myself, I go without sleep, I feel the urge to cry. I just want to ignore my problems and escape. But I guess beyond all that, I'm thankful that my only 'real' problems are uni assessments.

On a slightly related note, I've fallen in love with Tablo's daughter, Haru, on Return of Superman. She really is such a beautiful child. Watching all these variety shows with kids in it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because they're so pure and bright. It sounds silly, but it really does make me want kids - one day. I definitely can see why people want kids, they bring out the child in you and make you feel alive and young again, instead of being jaded by the real world. I guess until I have my own kids (in the very, very, very far future) I will just have to get my dosage of childlike innocence via my shows.

AN ODE TO THE RAIN

SAYING NO TO STAGNATION

I think as I've grown older, one of the things I have grown to fear the most is stagnation. There is nothing more disheartening than feeling stuck in a rut... Yet that feeling keeps coming and going for me. I go through the whole push-pull of feeling inspired to make a change in my life, and then being too lazy to actually enforce it. It's so easy to fall back onto routine and bad habits, and then the excuses come flowing out to justify it. It's a vicious cycle.

So this time, I really want to muster up the determination to follow through with my goals and ideas. I really want to become that person I keep envisioning or hoping to become. I think it's time I stopped making excuses for myself and really back up it all up with action. Of course, this may all come with a price but I think one thing I really learnt from going on exchange was that ... money is fleeting, so use it wisely because there are so, so many avenues for us to spend money. In other words, we all end up spending money anyway so why not spend it on something more meaningful and worthwhile? As a pretty crappy student when I took my finance classes, I've really just realised that there will always be risks, but the potential gain is what makes investments so rewarding. I guess, I realise that I either need to work harder to increase my income or learn to save so I can direct my funds towards achieving my goals or meaningful pursuits, rather than lamenting that all my money goes into food or clothes.

In light of this, I wanted to actually set my goal in 'stone' so that I am constantly reminded of them and thus will work harder to achieve them. I don't mean to be cliche but I'm the type of person who attributes significance and sentimentality over little random things, so I guess I really want to become a more responsible adult as I am 21 (even though I know that doesn't mean much in Australia since our age limits for most activities are 18).

Short term goals:

• Start taekwondo classes. Join the club. It's terrible that I've actually wanted to do taekwondo since I was in high school, yet I still haven't taken the leap. I don't really know what's stopped me but it is really time for me to start before I'm 60 and look back and realise that I never got to do it. 
• Time Management... is probably my biggest struggle since ever. I want to put my foot down and actually move on when the time is up.. instead of letting it trickle over to the next task, the next hour and so on. This year I've challenged myself with a lot more commitment but that means I have to up my game and get shit done for efficiently. 
• Keep in contact with people better. I've always struggled to keep in contact with people. It's hard when you don't get to physically see them as often because it's like... well, what do I talk about? You have to actually make an effort to come up with topics of conversations or recap your life... It's difficult. However, I want to make that effort. I want to Skype or Google Hangout with people. I want to meet up with people. I want to make that effort. I guess this blog was also part of the plan - having a space where I can vent and capture my daily life so friends will be able to know what's happening in my life without me having to awkwardly recap it all the time... I just need to gather the courage to actually link them to my blog >.< 

Long term goals:

• Get healthy. I know, everyone says this. However, it is truly that important. Since I'm still young, I've always had that mentality that being young = healthy. Yet, this isn't the case... our youth runs out on us quicker if we don't maintain our health... and being young doesn't make you immune to diseases or death. I really want to stop being so complacent and really be proactive in prevention. I'm going to start taking health management a lot more serious because the only thing we have at the end of the day is our health. And it's priceless... Unfortunately, we don't realise that until it is jeopardized. And I hate pain, so that should be my motivation.  But really... I'm always envious of those people who are fitness freaks because I just don't find the gym appealing. However, I'm hoping starting taekwondo classes can help that. And the occasional squash and rock climbing days. And exercising at home. Taking it slowly. I also want to cut junk food and soft drinks out of my diet. They're just so bad for my teeth and I'm scared of getting diabetes. That said, everything in moderation. I'm not going to become some health nut overnight but I'm trying to take it step by step. 
• Giving more. I mean, we can talk altruism and ideals all we want but again, it needs to be backed up with action. I know it's not much, but as I've kept this 'new year's resolution' for two years running, I realise how important it is to actually give. By giving, we realise simultaneously how the significance and insignificance of money. We realise that every dollar goes a long way for those in need, yet we realise we aren't any less happy without that dollar. So it's better to redirect that dollar to a charity where it can actually create better tomorrows for those who need it. Instead of making it a new year's resolution, I want to make it a lifelong resolution to always give to those charities when I see people fundraising. However, I do limit myself to actual charities and not those people who ask me to sign up for a monthly direct debit because I know a large percent of that goes towards their wages instead of the needy; and also I need to retain some flexibility and control. That said, I would love to one day sponsor a child when I have the actual means to do so. I've actually toyed with the idea of adoption but that really is a farfetched concern because I am nowhere near the age to be thinking of having a family... and there are so many variables involved. So for the meantime, I really look forward to the day when I have a stable job and the means to sponsor a child, knowing that I was able to change someone's life for the better. 

That's it for now. Actually, there are so many more. But since one of my goals is to be more firm with my time limits... and one of those is to sleep before 2am, I better stop here and add more later. 

TEAM BONDING & RANDOM MUSINGS

It really sucks living so far from the city... Sometimes I really wish I could just move out instead of spending so much time commuting. Get this, I spend around 20 hours a week just commuting, that's more than I spend in classes and probably more than I get to spend with my family. But that's reality, and there's not much I can do about it because it's too expensive to move out right now. I would love to move out with a small group of friends and just share an apartment, but I don't think I'm ready for it now. I would miss having my family around, all the homecooked food and my little dogs. A part of me feels like I would be able to visit them weekly and that'll make up for it, but I guess, right now, I have to take it step by step and actually prepare myself for when I do move out. First, I have to get my license so I have the mobility, then a job closer to the city so the move would be worth it and I would have a more stable income, then by the time I've saved up enough to last me a while, then I'll take a plunge. I don't want to be too reckless and have it all backfire on me. So I'm willing to wait it out until the time is right. And let's be honest, I will eventually have to move out one day – it's almost impossible that I will live at home forever, I think. I really cannot wait for the day I move out, because I will feel a lot more independent and a lot less of a burden on my parents. Of course I know they do it out of love, but I just want to be more independent for myself... and I would love the added mobility and time – to do what I want, whenever I want and not have to spend so much time getting to places.

Today was the first team dinner of the year and the first time the whole team got to really sit down and talk to each other, hang out and just mingle. It felt really nice because the team dynamics are pretty amazing. Everyone made an effort to really talk and get to know each other, and talk as a whole table. I'm glad because I really didn't want anyone to feel excluded, and I didn't want there to be an awkward atmosphere. It was also really fun because it didn't feel like it was everyone's first time hanging out – it was so natural and carefree. I mean … the guys were talking about things like ring of fire, whale and gas. Sometimes, I question whether there is something wrong with me... My personality is quite boyish, in that I'm pretty outgoing and joke around like a guy no holds barred. It's easy for me to be 'one of the guys'. But that also makes me question my femininity sometimes. Will I ever become more feminine? Will I ever be good at all the girly stuff like cooking and cleaning (okay, I know stereotypes but still!)? Honestly, I haven't seen much of my feminine side for a while since it kind of only comes out when I'm in a relationship (ha!) and it's been a while. It's strange how natural it is for me to be feminine in a relationship, but I find it so difficult otherwise. It's awkward. I can't be one of those girls who flirt with guys to get their ways (usually) or the type to shyly attract guys. I tend to attract guys who aren't my type or are friendzoned. I guess, that's the case with most girls though. And I guess, a lot of people would go around blaming the girl for not appreciating the guy or just going for jerks. But really, for me, I don't want to waste my time or the other person's time if I know it won't end well; and I particularly don't like leading people on.

That aside, we had a really fun night because after dinner and gorging on delicious Thai food (the guys sweating from the spiciness lol) and fried ice cream, we went to play pool. Disclaimer: I'm so shit at pool. But since it was the first team outing, I was pretty down to do whatever and just chill. I didn't want to ruin the mood by making everyone disperse so early when everyone's spirits were so high and everyone was getting along so well ^_^ Anyway, they found my lack of pool skills pretty amusing and kept making a show out of me playing when it was my turn T_T BUT, our team won all three rounds! And I sunk the winning ball for the last round! KEKEKE ^_^v So proud of myself. Glad we ended on a high note (for me haha)! 

NEW BEGINNINGS

It takes me a lot of thinking and conviction every time I want to start blogging again, because I always start it with the sincere intentions to actually commit to updating regularly or semi-regularly... Unfortunately, I rarely pull through. This year, I really want to change that. I realise that one thing that really stops me from blogging so often is that I'm scared of being too honest. Strange. I mean, chances are no one I know in real life would know this blog exists, and in many ways, it's my virtual sanctuary. I feel an unfounded connection to this space (yes, I have attachment issues lol). Anyway, I guess... I want to share more of personal life. This is my space to offload and if I feel restricted here as well, then, when will I get to be true to myself? So now that I've learnt to really look at this space as a well that will absorb my thoughts and worries, I'm going to worry less about who may ever stumble upon this blog and just let my thoughts run free.

Honestly, I've always have commitment problems, and I don't mean specifically in the realm of relationships, but in regards to life generally. I always start things, and leave them unfinished. I embark on learning new things, then give up halfway. I know people say the first step is always hardest... but for me, I find it a lot easier to start things then to follow through with them. So, this year... I've decided to really challenge myself. I've taken on a lot of responsibility and decided to put my foot down and commit to being a team leader this year in AIESEC. I've decided to aim high and set goals that I know will scare me, but will force me to work harder. I really want to continue to challenge myself and stop limiting myself.

Today, I had to finalise the selection of my team members for the year. It's a bit daunting and nerve-wracking... To think that these people will be working with me for the whole year as a team, and hopefully as friends. I'm quite happy with my selection. It's funny though, how things never turn out the way I expected. I didn't anticipate this being my final team for some reason. However, I'm really open to getting to know everyone and seeing how everyone plugs into the team dynamics. It's really interesting how diverse humans really are. I already feel protective of my team (damn, maternal instincts?! I'm too young for this -.-) and hope they all will develop to become better versions of themselves, and I hope to be able to meet their expectations. I want them to truly connect and feel included in the team, and in turn, work hard for the EPs. I really want to make a bigger impact this year with the Delivery team, and form really lasting connections with the EPs. I want to make sure every EP feels supported and do embark on an EP Journey. I'm really excited to 'deliver' and innovate... It's exciting being able to work in a team. But not only that, I'm excited to work alongside Jess and Pansy.

Besides that, I also caught up with a bunch of high school friends today because we had high tea at The Tea Room (woo, ticking that off my bucket list!) for Livia's 21st. Man, it feels so strange that everyone is turning 21 yet despite having already turned 21, I barely feel any difference (for shame!). As always, it was really nice catching up with high school peeps because it makes me realise how much has changed since I last saw them, all the new experiences I've 'collected' and it's nice to see how much they've changed as well. I feel like I feed off other people - when I see them doing all these cool new things, I want to push myself to try new things too. Not out of jealousy, but moreso because I feel inspired and I realise that I'm only this young once. That being said, catching up with high school peeps always brings about that feeling of inadequacy... because I always feel like I don't have a clear direction of what I want professionally. I guess there's no point beating myself up over it though, everything takes time and I really need to learn to be comfortable to go at my own pace and stop comparing myself to others and expecting to be at the same place they want to be. It's hard but I want to be able to feel comfortable taking my time to think through my steps because I don't want to end up having a quarter life crisis because I rushed into chasing an illusory dream because it's what everyone else seems to be doing. I want to know that every step I take is towards my bigger goal of happiness and contentment.